Everyone kept saying I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it, I DON’T BELIEVE IT! Funny thing is I actually do believe it. It still feels a bit like a dream though. A really bad dream. That’s a bit clichéd I know but I suppose it’s a cliché for a reason. People say it a lot and there’s no smoke without fire.
How to describe it… It’s as if everything has slowed down and the air has sort of condensed around me. It feels heavy. Claustrophobic. It makes me panic sometimes. Heavy breathing and all of that, which never happened to me before. I’ve always been pretty level headed, I think. It just happened now.
I’ve decided to write this … I don’t know why. I suppose no one will really read it once it’s all over. The thing is, I’ve always meant to write a journal. It’s one of those things I’ve had on my list to do. Like so many other things.
I’ve tried before. Sometimes I’ve only managed to keep it up for a few days when I’ve got a nice new notebook. The novelty wears off pretty quickly once life gets in the way. There’s been a couple of times I’ve had it going for a few months but no more than that.
I’m not sure how different it will be now, knowing that no one will read this one. Would anyone have read any of the others? Is that even why one writes a journal? With the idea that someone is going to leaf through it one day maybe with a cup of tea. I suppose it’s a bit like talking to an imaginary friend. No, I think it’s more to get your thoughts in order. That’s what they say. Once it’s down on paper, sometimes things make more sense.
No one will read this that’s for sure. I’m not sure there’s not much sense to be made of this either. It is what it is. In a few days we’ll all be dead. Pulverised. Atomised maybe. Oh God, I just had another panic attack. I’m not religious by the way, but I wish I was. Only God could save us now.
27th May. That’s when they reckon it’ll hit. That means I have 5 days to live. I can’t believe it. I’ve been glued to the TV all morning. What else am I supposed to do? I live alone. All my friends have gone to their families. I wonder where Mum is? I hope she’s with someone at least. I’m presuming work aren’t open. Maybe they are? Maybe I’ll get fired? Whatever, I can’t face going in at the moment.
My cornflakes tasted rubbish this morning so I had some toast instead. While I was making it, I couldn’t stop thinking about death. I suppose the biggest mystery for us all – how we’re going to die – has been answered. Maybe it’s comforting in a way. Maybe it’s the fear of not knowing rather than death itself. Still makes me feel a bit empty though. Is this it? It seems as if there was so much more to come. Felt as if I was heading towards something. When all the time something was heading towards us.
Got up early and went for a run this morning. First time I’ve done that for ages. Possibly years. It was great at first but then I passed the high street and everyone was fighting. People were smashing windows and pissing in the street. Horrible. They’re like animals. I can’t believe how different some people are. Some people are more like animals. Frightened and stupid. I’m frightened by them just as much as what’s coming.
Been listening to music all day with the TV on in the background. The news is starting to just repeat stuff. Did a bit of drawing too. Got me thinking about the other day when I was thinking about the way my life was going. The way I had always thought it was heading towards something. It occurred to me how passive I’ve been. ‘Heading towards’ implies me doing some work. I shouldn’t kid myself… I’ve been waiting for something. Stupid. It’s not as if I’m a bad person. I always try to do the right thing. It stresses me out too much to lie. I don’t throw rubbish on the floor. I recycle. I’m always polite to people. I genuinely care if someone’s hurt or sad. I don’t mind in a way that no one sees those things. It’s not that I do them to get attention. I do them because there’s a reason behind it. If everyone acted the same way, it would be great. But so many people don’t. And those who do make sure other people see them do it. Only they don’t do those things because it’s right like I do. They do it to get attention. And they get it. It feels like sometimes there are people out there who have none of those qualities and are still successful. Meanwhile I seem to go nowhere. They have lives. I don’t.
None of us do now.
Had a few beers last night and my head hurts this morning. Pretty annoyed with myself. I should be making the most of this. It’s a lovely day outside. Got a message from Sam at work (my boss). I’m surprised my phone is even working but he sounded pretty angry. Said I couldn’t just not turn up. He’s a dick. He’s one of those people I was talking about last night. He’ll have been out looting like the rest of them I’m sure.
I went in to work today and saw Sam at the back. I walked straight up to him and punched him in the face. He looked like he’d been crying but I don’t care. He got what he deserved at last. I’ve wanted to do it before but I never would have until now. Didn’t floor him but he certainly looked surprised. I thought he’d come for me but he didn’t. He just stood there all wide eyed. That’s when I turned around and came back home. Feeling bad about it now actually. What had he been crying about I wonder? Maybe I should message him.
Phones are down now. So is the TV.
Can’t sleep. Why should I? I need to absorb everything I can before it’s too late. How many nights have I slept here oblivious to everything around me? So much happening and so much to miss out on. But I suppose we have to sleep. At least we used to. Not much point now as far as I can see.
I might make a sandwich in a minute. If there’s any bread. I hope there’s bread.
Things are starting to unravel a bit. I could hear looting from my flat window last night. Didn’t get any sleep. The shop over the road looks a bit quiet now. Door’s open. I don’t have bread. I might just get some. Otherwise I’ll starve. Maybe that would be better?
I took some bread from the shop. There wasn’t much left but there were a few other things that I took. Some melting ice-cream and a family pack of quavers. I’m eating them now. I was going to read a book, but what if I couldn’t finish it in time? So I put it back on the shelf and thought I’d write in here instead.
Thinking about where I’ll go when it happens. Might just stay here. I have some vodka in the cupboard so I might dose myself up on that. The pills from the shop were all gone so presumably everyone else has been thinking along other lines. God this is terrible. It’s so bleak. Squirrel outside on a branch. It has no idea. I wish I was that squirrel.
I stole a car today. It was open and no one was in it so I took it. I don’t even feel bad about it. It was beautiful outside. I drove into the countryside because the main roads were all chaos. Where do people think they can go? Fighting everywhere. People screaming. Most people drunk. I suppose there are more people at home behaving themselves but it’s the few out there that cause the problems – the ones we hear about.
Once I got out of the town, I drove too fast through the fields and hills. It was like something out of a film and I cried at one point. Stopped by a stream for a while and just stood there. Then I walked into it and waded around with my trousers pulled up. Old couple walked hand in hand and looked at me as if I were some sort of madman. Don’t even know what to make of it. I think they were frightened of me though.
The sun is down now. Writing in here is all I can do to stop pacing. The old lady in the flat down the road is crying. I wish she’d stop. I can hear her through the window but the breeze is so nice that I want to keep the window open. Maybe I want to hear for anything else that happens as well. I don’t think I’ll go to sleep. I’ve not drunk the vodka yet. Feels like that would be a bit final. Might go for a walk. See what’s out there. I’ll take my cricket bat in case anyone wants a fight. In a way it’s quite exciting. I can feel my adrenaline. It’s like anarchy. A release.
Back from the walk. Most amazing experience and nothing like what I expected. The looting has stopped. It’s so quiet out there. Went to the park and there were so many people but here’s the thing… no one was violent. There was no fighting. Everyone was mostly just walking in silence. Some would smile as I went by. I felt a bit stupid in the end carrying a cricket bat around so I dropped it in a bush. There’s no tension now. People were gathered in places looking up at the light in the sky. I think that’s it, coming towards us. I stood there for a while and just looked with everyone else. Like a bright star. Quite sad in a way. No one seemed scared which was weird. I think I am scared though. Not sure what to do now.
Doors and windows locked and curtains drawn. There’s no electricity now so I’ve lit a few candles. Half the vodka has gone.
Maybe they got the timing wrong. Either way, it’s been a pleasure.
Looked out the window. Lovely day but the lady over the road is dead on her front path. Big cloud of smoke in the centre of town. Silent.
Tried the TV today. It’s working. Most channels not working but news keeps going on about Pedro Nelson. I’m drunk though so not sure why he’s so important right now.
Pedro Nelson, Pedro Nelson, Pedro Nelson. Sounds like Mexican gangster. Or a football player. It’s him. He’s the one. The one that did all of this.
Went for a walk again today. Found my cricket bat where I left it in the bush and I’m glad I had it because there were a group of men that looked as if they would have had me otherwise. Everything’s different. There are men and women lying dead in the street. One house was on fire nearby and no one was doing anything.
Went to the supermarket and managed to get some water and loads of canned food in a trolley. The staff are all gone but I had to bat a few people though. I’m not sure how badly I hurt them but I need the food. Got some beer as well.
It’s all because of him. Pedro Nelson.
Some men saw me come into my flat. I’ve put the fridge over the front door so they can’t get in. It’s all his fault. Pedro Nelson. The news has gone onto repeat again but all it says is ‘Pedro Nelson, a disgruntled low level NASA employee, is thought to have orchestrated the whole thing. The asteroid was never real but the hoax became global and only time will tell the damage it has caused.’
Time will tell but I no longer know how I’m going to die.
Someone has sprayed his name on the wall down the road. As if he’s some kind of hero. How could that be? He’s some sad little individual who has ended up ruining everything. Maybe once I would reserve judgement until I’d had his side of the story. But we’ve had enough stories from him. He needs to die. Pedro Nelson. He deserves to die.